other - just a girl

(no subject)

I haven't written in over two years.
This place is not the same. I don't think half the people I used to know here really use this thing or even really know me anymore.
But maybe that's a good thing.

I feel the need to spill my feelings and I have nowhere to do that so why not here?

It's my journal, and hardly anyone comes here anymore, so I can write whatever I want.

That's nice.

It's nice to be able to say whatever you want.

When I stopped writing in this journal it was because I felt I'd fallen off track. I didn't know who I was... I didn't feel like the bright, if often over-emotional girl, everyone seemed to like. I didn't want to infect the internet with my negative thoughts and feelings. I didn't want to be someone that brought others down instead of pulled them up. If I couldn't put forth anything good then why put forth anything at all?

But the thing is... Even though I left to save myself, to save you all from me, it didn't work. Somehow everything has gotten worse. I never really regained my footing. I still can't quite find that light inside me.

Looking back, these feelings I have, they're not new. But they've deepened. The loneliness, the detachment. The hopelessness. And now there's resentment and envy too. It's not nice. I'm not someone I can be proud of right now.

And it's easy to say, well just change then!

But I've been trying too!! That's the whole point. I came to Japan precisely because I wanted to change. And now, even the confidence I'd managed to build my first few years here is dwindling away.

I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like my life is just a big let down. I'm nothing but a big huge let down.
Everything I've tried has led me nowhere. Nothing I believed in has proven true. I'm defeated. I'm tired. I feel cheated. Angry. Resentful. Invisible.

Life is mendokkusai. It's more effort than I'm able to muster.

Because I already know how the story goes....
Relationships fall apart. Opportunities lead nowhere. No one really wants what you have to offer. Even families betray each other. Some people's dreams come true. Some people's dreams don't.

That's just the way it goes.

And there's no one to make it better. No one to give you a hug and say, it's hard I know but it's okay and I still love you anyway.

My heart is darkening. The forecast is cloudy.

It's not even depression. It's simply...resignation.

Honestly, I don't know which is worse.
other - just a girl


I was thinking today..... I'm living my dream.

In that letter I told Subaru he had inspired me to follow my dream and that I was going to become a performer. I'm not on TV and I'm not famous (yet ~_^) but I'm getting paid to sing and act. I travel around Japan doing shows. I'm in a DVD for kids. Occasionally, I have auditions. And little by little more and more doors are opening for me.

When people ask me what I do I still hesitate before answering. For so long I've underestimated myself. I've thought: 'Oh, they're just shows for kids. And I still teach in school, etc....' But the fact is I'm getting paid to do what I like. If that's not living my dream then I don't know what is! Of course, it can always get better. My goal is to eventually make enough with my acting/voice work to give up teaching at schools all together. Which I might be able to do as early as March of next year depending on how things go. And there are more things I'd love to do, like perform on a big stage, do narration jobs and recordings, have a TV show on NHK, be featured in a magazine because of the work I'm doing, write a book........

I can always keep dreaming.

Thing is, all of that..... it'll happen if it happens and if not it won't. The point is I am a performer. I'm actually doing what I told Subaru I would! I'm lucky enough to do what I like and get paid for it!

I have my ups and downs, and things take their time, but I'm doing it. I've done it. I've built a life I'm happy with. Me.

And that's something to feel good about.

other - just a girl

(no subject)

I'd like to send my letter to Subaraji. But I don't think my Japanese is good enough to properly express my feelings if I were to try and translate it. So I guess my words will live forever inside me.

I wonder if he ever got/read the other one.
other - just a girl

Happy 30th Birthday, Subaru.

Dear Subaru,


I wrote you a letter a couple of years ago. I gave it to Ryota-san - in April, at JCB Hall; it was the Question, FiVe, Flat Five Flowers live. We ran into each other at the top of the stairs - on the third floor balcony. I wanted to hand the letter to you but you looked really scared of me, uncomfortable and like you didn't want to be disturbed, so when I spotted Ryota-san I gave it to him instead. Did you read it? Do you remember? It was about how much you'd inspired me to believe in myself and to follow my dreams.

I'd come to Tokyo lost, searching for peace, for a salvation I could only give myself, and you became a source of strength for me. It's been two years now since I gave you the letter, almost exactly, and if my journey had only recently begun back then now I'm in the middle of it. I'm a work in progress. Reaching, always reaching for truth, for my truth, for myself - for acceptance, love, clarity. What I've learned - what I'm learning, is that everything is a process. I'm a process. Life is a process. A beautiful and sometimes painful process that defines my existence and gives it meaning.

Now, two years later and four since I first came to Japan, I write you again. My feelings for you have deepened. It sounds stupid but I love you. Sometimes I hate that I do and sometimes I'm grateful for it. I have no illusions that we'll ever meet; no schoolgirl dreams about us falling in love. Your world is different than mine. So is your language. You don't even know my face. And yet I love you.

As I've penetrated myself, digging into my heart, aiming at the soul, I've found that you resonate there - in the depths of my being. And that there is a place for you inside me.

From the moment I first heard Ruwa there was something about your voice that pierced right through me and stuck. A seed that grows as I grow. As you grow. I don't know you personally, but I see your words and I hear your voice and I think that your heart is beautiful. Your soul is beautiful. You are one of the most beautiful people I've ever encountered in my life. When I see you, hear you, feel for you, my heart opens and I feel validated - complete, even.

So many times I've read your entries on j-web and yasuba, or your words in magazines, and your words echo my thoughts. Your lyrics, your observations, opinions, interviews... Somehow, you always say what I need to hear at that moment or stage in my life. Your words are always relevant - they open my eyes and give me comfort, or sometimes a dose of reality and perspective. I've realized so many things about myself and my truths, about life, through your words - from the truths you've discovered and shared with us of your own journey. In the last few years I've felt we've been in it together - living, growing, making peace with ourselves and our lives. At this point I think you've surpassed me. You look so happy these days, so peaceful. So it doesn't feel quite the same as it used to. But you're still someone I can look up to. If you can come out the other side and shine then so can I, somehow.

Maybe it's all in my head, this connection I feel. Maybe I see and hear in you what I want to. But isn't that how it always is? Aren't we all projections? What we know is what we perceive...

In any case, you - a virtual stranger, have given me more than I ever expected. In some ways you've led me to myself - and for that I'm forever grateful.

I don't think there's anything that can make my feelings for you change. Sometimes I think of all of your faults and flaws, all the habits and things that would probably annoy me if I knew you. Your moodiness. I think of those things and I smile. Because you're not perfect and that's why I love you. Because it's your particular mix of qualities (including the bad ones) and idiosyncrasies that is perfect. You're perfect as you are and I like that you so much. And that can be said of anyone. Everyone is perfect just as they are. You've helped me see that.

Subaru, I want nothing but your happiness and well being. For you to be you.

I've only felt this feeling once before, this seemingly unconditional love. And it surprises me. I like to think of myself as an honest and genuine person, but the purity of my feelings for you surprises even me. Of course I wish sometimes that we could share moments together. There is a connection I feel, a desire for you that comes from deep within me. And not because of the way you look. I didn't even like your looks at first. But because I felt my soul was reaching out to yours. That our journeys are similar. And that your heart understands my heart.

And I know it's naive. That we might not get each other at all if we met in real life but that's irrelevant to how I feel. Because my feeling are based on what I do know and see of you - even if what I know and see is limited and only part of who you are. The part you show us as Shibutani Subaru of Kanjani8, the part you let us know, the part I love. Though in my head I can't imagine not loving the private you too. Because all of those words and feelings have to come from somewhere, right? But I digress.

You awaken in me a longing I've always felt deeply - a longing to merge with another person, for love and connection. For intimacy - emotionally, physically, mentally. And that's when it becomes frustrating. Because I don't want to feel this for you - for someone who will never know me; who I will never even meet! I want to feel these things for someone I actually have a chance with, someone who I can give myself to. But then I think: Well, this is my reality. However silly and pathetic I sometimes feel it is. And in the end isn't love in any form a blessing? To know that I'm capable of feeling connected to someone. To be filled with such a deep desire to know someone inside and out and accept them completely, to share everything with them. To know that my heart and soul are still alive...

To be awakened in such a way is a wonderful thing. Even if my feelings will be forever painfully unrequited. And someday I hope I'll meet someone in my real life who makes me feel this way. Someone who is actually there and thus makes me confront my fears. But until then I guess I'm stuck with you. Or rather, I should say, you're stuck with me. I tried to give you up - stopped listening to Eito for a while. But that was an useless venture. And I realized I'm much happier with you in my life.

So there's really only one thing I can say and that's: Thank you for how you make me feel. The good feelings. The painful ones. I wouldn't be the same person without you.

I may only be one faceless fan out of thousands, but know one thing, Shibutani Subaru... you are loved.

Happy Birthday.

other - just a girl

Happy Days

I've been meaning to post this for forever but look! Yasu and I have the same notebook! XD

I think this is from the Ariehen special which I actually never saw. Could never find it ><

Yasu must like the quote on the front which reads:

as though no one is watching you,
as though you have never been hurt before,
as though no one can hear you,
as though heaven is on earth"

I guess it would seem that Yasu and I would vibe well together in rl as kipani_mariko seems to think ;)

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★ Last thing: Fandom.

Does anyone else feel disconnected from fandom lately? I miss the days when everything was on LJ and we could all flail together. Now there's twitter, but if you're not on at the right time you miss everything and it's really hard to keep up with conversations (at least for me XD). And if I'm not home (which is a lot of the time) I have to check it on my cell which is annoying and hard to do. So idk, I feel like I never really know what's going on. People comment about things and all I can manage to say is,"Oh? Where did you see that?" >< I could post more on LJ, and I'm going to start trying to, but it's still not like I have anything to post when I don't know what's going on fandomwise XD And most people seem to be away from LJ anyway.

I don't know, it's sad. I've made lots of friends on here but honestly, had I joined now and not 3 or 4 years ago, I don't think I would've been able to make the same kind of connections.

I caved and joined tumblr too (anippan there as well) so as to not be totally clueless, and that's better than twitter imo (doesn't make you feel left out either XD), but still I miss the good ol' LJ days.

I was talking to elyndys about this, and I was wondering if any of you reading this who live in Japan/the Tokyo area are willing to form some kind of team to help bring Eito stuff to Western fandom via LJ. I can't afford all the monthly mags, and I don't have a scanner atm, but I was thinking if we could get a group where each person buys one mag every month, one person scans, etc... Maybe another who speaks korean/chinese can help build relationships with Sina/Clubbox and we can get videos? I don't know. It's just an idea. What do you guys think?
other - just a girl


Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever).
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two images that describe your life right now, and why.
Day Ten: One confession.

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Irene gave me a lovely present! She said she thought it was really me and that made me happy. I added my Subaru guitar pic to it. I'm never going to take it off ♥

I love how it's the heart the organ and not the shape. That makes it more real, more raw - "You are here." Your heart is pumping blood through your veins. You're alive. '今日も生きるよ!' - That feeling.

Yesterday, kipani_mariko and I went to go see Adam Pascal and Anthony Rapp in concert. It was great! They sang 'What You Own' & Adam sang 'One Song Glory.' Seeing those songs live with them, the original singers, wow. They were such a big part of my life in high school and college. RENT opened my eyes to a lot of things. I went through a lot during that phase. So finally getting to see them years later, here, as the person I am now, it felt like that part of my life was finally complete and I could put it to rest.

I've come a long way since then. I'm on the next leg of my journey now.

There's also been 8Uppers happiness~ I posted a report and translation of the Yasuba love letter at subassan_onegai but I don't think I'll write any other reports since other people have already done that.

These were or seats for the second show~

Lots of otoko eighters in our section that day. Super fun show! Danced my ass off XD
other - just a girl


Just got back from Sendai! :D

As expected the cons were amazing!! ♥ _____ ♥

The plan was to go to Matsushima the day before the cons but I was sick on the bus ride there so we decided to just chillax in the city. I never ever throw up unless I've had a really hardcore night of drinking so getting so sick on the bus was pretty O__O & >___< for me. Thank God this bus had little plastic bags for each seat or I would have been in BIG trouble. A lady close to me actually had to give me hers and offered me a packet of tissues. Thank you, lady!

I'm still not sure what's wrong with me. Whether it's indigestion or some kind of bug... I haven't thrown up again but after I eat I still get slightly nauseous. Luckily, since I basically didn't eat Saturday, I was fine at the cons. All that matters! XD

airairo did a nice recap of highlights of the first show in her entry here. Collapse )

Ok. I realize I pretty much repeated everything Alissa said XD

So onto the second show. We were lucky enough to get tickets, and though we had to sit separately, we were all in Arena again. This time kipani_mariko and I were in B instead of C so further to the left and closer to the center stage. We were also lucky enough to be really close to the aisle (second seat in) so the guys were close again when they went past.

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That's all I can remember for right now XD Yeah, I know there's a lot of Subaru in this but it's me, so. What else can you expect? XD

Hopefully, kipani_mariko and nira_chan can remind me of anything I've missed.

This weekend is Tokyo Dome!! There's only one show per day so I hope we get more encores!

I'm looking forward to meeting up with everyone~^^

ETA: In the first show the Proactiv commercial was Yoko and he pretended to be a blonde foreigner named Henry. Not gonna lie, I was kind of offended. In the second show it was Maru and he pretended to be the Korean pop star he was last time.
Yay, E-I-TO!! :D
other - just a girl

(no subject)

Ah, I can't watch The Office since projectfreetv is down so I'm going to meme again XD

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever).
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two images that describe your life right now, and why.
Day Ten: One confession.

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And guh, I loooove this song! The lyrics ♥